I’m Not Feeling You

Oh Sarah Palin, what won’t you shoot in front of your children? Actually, I think it’s good to talk to your kids, in a frank and honest fashion, about the possible perils and pitfalls of shooting things with guns. That way, by the time they’re teenagers they won’t be sleeping with dudes running around shooting things without the proper safety precautions. The last thing you’d want is to come out against shooting things with guns education and then for the press to discover that your teenage daughter accidentally got pregnant shot something with a gun.

How do you make getting a puppy seem cruel? You bring three home and take some time to silently judge them before deciding which two aren’t good enough for you. Don’t worry though, she’s going to keep the other two in the freezer for stock. It’s like a puppy reenactment of Sophie’s Choice.

It was discovered last week. It lives under rocks, eats termites, and is thin enough to crawl up your urethra. If it wanted to. Which it almost certainly does.

Mmmmm dog milk.

This is adorable AND disgusting.

If my years with Hamilton have taught me anything, it’s what a dog looks like with its nose bitten off. Sorry Gawker, that’s a fucking dog. In fact, here’s a list of things that it could be in order of likelihood.

1.Dog

2. Guy in a dog suit

3. Several small dogs piled together to look like a larger dog that looks like a monster

4. Raccoon

5. A different dog from the dog I first thought it was

6. Pig

7. Dog

8. Dog

9. Dog

10. Monster Dog