I’m Not Feeling You

Go look at this, and make sure you scroll through all the pictures. I don’t know who did this or why, but I think it might be one of my top five favorite things I’ve ever seen on the internet. Because like, I get how you’d get that first picture of Christian Bale and want to find a picture of Kermit the frog that matches up with it (no I don’t). I even get trying to find two matches, or five,  but what keeps me up at night is like, there’s fifty of them. How did he (or she) know to keep looking? Like when I had found twelve pictures of Christian Bale that looked like 12 pictures of Kermit the Frog, I would of been like, “wow, I can’t believe I found that many pictures of Christian Bale that had corresponding pictures of Kermit the Frog to go with them.” Not this guy. This guy was like, “Oh 12, I would imagine I’m about a quarter of the way through this whole Christian Bale/Kermit the Frog project I’ve undertaken for no reason.” Do you see how insane that is? You do right?

This is ‘tarded… especially cause how many photos does The A.P. own and licence of people holding signs and posters with the Shepard Fairey image in it?

Two things I hate: short-sighted intellectual property lawyers and Valantine’s Day, that’s why this Valantine’s Day I’m encouraging all of you to take a break from the cards/flowers/chocolate and instead go ahead and punch an intellectual property lawyer in the dick. Go ahead, he’ll thank you for it.

This magazine treats guys like me as the magic frolicking hairy unicorns we are, and I’m not gay so I can’t really be a bear, and it’s making me feel extremely left out. Can’t a bunch of dudes just hang out bare chested and rub beards in a platonic way? Like maybe it’s hot and we have to undo our onesies… I think that’s beautiful and you don’t need to make it all sexual. Can’t it be like a lodge? Like the Elks or something? I’m not a bear but I kind of want to party like one. Just me and a bunch of other hairy dudes drinking beer with our junk out… in a platonic way. What’s so wrong with that?

Man, fuck society.

Am I going to be saying, “Fuck what your mama say, I’ma vote Obama way” in my head until I stab myself in the eye? Yeah, I am.

Now, if you will excuse me, I’d like to take a moment to address L.A.:

Dear L.A.,

Just so you know, when you wonder why we hate you, it’s because of this video. This video is what you look like to us all the time. Also, thanks for ruining Obama AND The Isley Brothers sample from Ice Cube’s “It Was a Good Day.” Those were two of the like three things I like. Dicks.

Thanks,

Sam