How do you make getting a puppy seem cruel? You bring three home and take some time to silently judge them before deciding which two aren’t good enough for you. Don’t worry though, she’s going to keep the other two in the freezer for stock. It’s like a puppy reenactment of Sophie’s Choice.
If my years with Hamilton have taught me anything, it’s what a dog looks like with its nose bitten off. Sorry Gawker, that’s a fucking dog. In fact, here’s a list of things that it could be in order of likelihood.
1.Dog
2. Guy in a dog suit
3. Several small dogs piled together to look like a larger dog that looks like a monster
4. Raccoon
5. A different dog from the dog I first thought it was
6. Pig
7. Dog
8. Dog
9. Dog
10. Monster Dog
Last time I saw a Taco Bell commercial, I remember thinking, “Someone should really make a movie out of this, and if they do, they should make the song sound like a combination of all the worst songs in the world.” It’s like the Macarena with a dash of Who Let the Dogs Out and the rapping sounds like when Michelle used to bust it out on Full House. It’s like Disney has a microchip inside my brain. Scary.
This is my dog, Hamilton, who I’m not feeling. As you can see he is more dog than weapon and more semi-vegetative sloth than dog. I’m sorry those other dogs hurt those other people, but Peter Vallone, if you try to take him from me I will bite you in the face with my teeth.
Fuck BSL. Breed Specific Legislation is Bull Shit Legislation.
And Pit Bull people are crazy.
I mean wax some of it if you want. Just not the whole thing. Ok? I’m not saying it makes everyone’s stuff look like chewed bubble gum, I’m just saying there’s a reason they don’t breed hairless Shar-Peis. You know?