I’m Not Feeling You

This magazine treats guys like me as the magic frolicking hairy unicorns we are, and I’m not gay so I can’t really be a bear, and it’s making me feel extremely left out. Can’t a bunch of dudes just hang out bare chested and rub beards in a platonic way? Like maybe it’s hot and we have to undo our onesies… I think that’s beautiful and you don’t need to make it all sexual. Can’t it be like a lodge? Like the Elks or something? I’m not a bear but I kind of want to party like one. Just me and a bunch of other hairy dudes drinking beer with our junk out… in a platonic way. What’s so wrong with that?

Man, fuck society.

I want a new tattoo. And, because the one above is seeming like a good idea right now (it’s the cupcake that kills me), I’m taking recommendations. Winning suggestion receives the satisfaction of knowing I’ve tattooed their genius on my body for all time. And an iPod Nano. There’s no iPod Nano.

A) Human deformities aren’t funny.  Even when they’re hilarious.

B) Ok everybody, I posted about the baby with the penis back, you can all stop sending me that picture now.

C) This kid is going to have the most amazing scrapbook ever.

The answer is “C”.

I like babies. Fuck, I probably even like your baby, but hipsterparentdouchebags, if parenthood changes everything how come you’re still intolerable? Also, stop dressing your baby like it’s in Interpol. It’s not and that’s child abuse.