I’m Not Feeling You

So I tried to be kind of above the fray on Jesse Helms dying, gently pointing out that even though I’m sad when anyone dies, his position on funding AIDS and AIDS prevention was basically “if you have it, you deserve it” and we shouldn’t forget that. Then Elizabeth Dole introduced an amendment (which didn’t pass) to name an HIV/AIDS relief bill after him. By that logic, when I die, I expect there to be a “Sam Saltz award for not thinking Elizabeth Dole is a piece of shit.” It would be equally ironic.

For some reason, in addition to making me hate her, this whole thing also makes me hate him more. So fuck it, I’m glad Jesse Helms is dead. Unrepentant racist, homophobic, fuck.

I’ve never hated on American Apparel because sometimes a man needs a lavender sweatshirt to go with his AF1s (I call that my sweetshirt). So even when everyone was like, “Dov Charney’s the sex pig anti-Christ”, I’ve always been all, “settle down.” Plus, who can be mad at girls wearing short shorts and tube socks? Not me (Hi mom!).

Anyway, I was on their website the other day cause I’m in the market for a hooded sweetshirt, and I discovered a couple of new features:

Five sexual harassment lawsuits later, founder Dov Charney isn’t anywhere on the site

Also, certain products, say, for instance, the micro-poly short short, feature an option which allows you to see camel toe the product from different angles.

Others, say, for instance, the interlock running short, now actually feature a short film showcasing the product. As a former film major I feel qualified to tell you that there’s only one reason anyone makes a short film about short shorts and it’s gross gross. For real real.

“Terrorist fist jab?” Really?

Don’t tell anyone, but sometimes, when she’s on TV, I put on pants and a nice shirt, just on the off chance that she can see me through the screen.

A) Because he brought 35 articles of impeachment against President Bush last night

B) Because he spent 4 hours and 40 minutes reading them all outloud on the floor of Congress

C) Ride on you elvin fist of vengence

The answer is “C”

Fine, endorse McCain (it’ll probably help Obama win), but John Hagee…? Tell the truth, did you trade your soul for those extra skin folds?