I’m Not Feeling You

Oh Sarah Palin, what won’t you shoot in front of your children? Actually, I think it’s good to talk to your kids, in a frank and honest fashion, about the possible perils and pitfalls of shooting things with guns. That way, by the time they’re teenagers they won’t be sleeping with dudes running around shooting things without the proper safety precautions. The last thing you’d want is to come out against shooting things with guns education and then for the press to discover that your teenage daughter accidentally got pregnant shot something with a gun.

If my years with Hamilton have taught me anything, it’s what a dog looks like with its nose bitten off. Sorry Gawker, that’s a fucking dog. In fact, here’s a list of things that it could be in order of likelihood.

1.Dog

2. Guy in a dog suit

3. Several small dogs piled together to look like a larger dog that looks like a monster

4. Raccoon

5. A different dog from the dog I first thought it was

6. Pig

7. Dog

8. Dog

9. Dog

10. Monster Dog

If you watch the Sunday morning news shows then you know that T. Boone Pickens has an energy plan called PickensPlan and he won’t tell you what it is. The website has pictures of windmills on it and some stuff about natural gas. That sounds good. I can’t find the fine print but it might involve powering America on spotted owl blood and orphan tears.

I do know that T. Boone Pickens has 5 children and 12 grandchildren but chose to use this picture of himself with his Pomeranian as his publicity photo. That’s just the kind of crazy I’m looking for in my energy visionary.

I also know that while I have very little understanding of PickensPlan, Saltz’s plan is to say the name T. Boone Pickens as much as possible for the rest of my life.

If you consider winter cold and summer heat, there’s like 2 weeks each year when I feel physically comfortable. They’re usually sometime in October. Fuck you trees, but hellllloooooo shellfish!

I did some research, and the back story goes: So this Montana couple are out hiking with their dogs and their… mule (?!) and the dogs get attacked by a mountain lion. Luckily the mule gallops in to save the day.

Dog 1: So… should we get in there?

Dog 2: In where?

Dog 1: …

Dog 2: Ohhhhhh… Nah, he looks like he’s got it pretty much under control…

Dog 1: …At this point we’d probably just get in the way.

Dog 2: Totally. We could have taken that mountain lion though.

Dog 1: Totally.

*That’s not true, if this were my life, Hamilton would have probably attacked the mule.