I’m Not Feeling You

Our gay eccentric billionaire mayor, Michael Bloomberg, is getting more Willy Wonka-esque by the moment. His new proposal is to power the NYC by putting windmills on top of everything. I’m not saying we don’t have an energy problem here in the city, I’m just saying at least we don’t have a giant spinning blades plummeting 30 stories onto our heads problem. It’s kind of like introducing bobcats to take care of the rat problem, it would probably work but also it’s a terrible idea.

So there are a bunch of Federal Laws which basically say that if you’re a doctor, nurse, or other medical practitioner and it’s against your religion to perform an abortion, the institution you work for can’t make you or fire you. Which is fucked. So now, the Health department under the Bush Administration is saying that under that law, the same medical practitioners can also refuse to prescribe the “Morning After Pill” and birth control pills. Which are apparently now a form of abortion. Here’s the thing about this.

A) If you get raped by your dad in a county where the only doctors within 100 miles are douche bags… congratulations you’re having a cyclops!

B) I don’t believe in god, so I’m not going to become a priest. Similarly, if you have religious beliefs which prevent you from the practice of medicine, maybe don’t become a medical practitioner. Perhaps wizardry is more to your liking.

C) This is nice because with the election and everything I was starting to sort of forget how much I hate that George W. Bush guy.

A) If you’ve seen Wall-E, then you know that in the future we’ll all live on a spaceship, move around on hover chairs, be fat, and never have to get up. Well look out people because the future is now!

B) Everyone knows the only problem with beer is having to get up and get one. Not anymore fuckers!

C) Finally a product that gracefully combines drinking AND driving

The answer is “D” all of the above.

“The LifeGem ^® is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life.”

In case you weren’t following, that means that when your mom dies, you can send LifeGem her ashes or a lock of hair or whatever and they’ll make a diamond out of it and sell it back to you.

My question is, I just barfed in my mouth, can they make a diamond out of that?