I’m Not Feeling You

What is that face? Seriously, what do you call it. It’s like an over the shoulder smile-wink-squint… a smuink. Dude, stop smuinking at me like that it makes me feel weird.

This may have some of you hating, but me, I’m torn. I love him. And he’s crazy. But do I love him because he’s crazy?

Sometimes I wake up so happy that I think I must have had a sex dream, and then I realize that no, actually, I was dreaming that me and Weezie were hanging out in someone’s basement, just talking shit out. I wish you could have been there. It was beautiful.

I’m glad America’s Next Top Model is “breaking the mold” or whatever, but they should change “Plus Sized Model” to something less demeaning like, “Looks Hot in Shorts Model” or “Makes My Pants Hurt Model.”

Now, if you all don’t mind, I’d like to take a moment to address my Mom:

Dear Mom,

I know you read this sometimes, and that’s why I’m dedicating this post, and the phrase “Makes my pants hurt” to you. Think of it as a belated Mother’s Day Gift.

Love,

Sam

In the year 2013 John McCain will have solved all our problems and be dead.

Remember, when you don’t recycle, it’s the same as beating him to death with a tire iron. I refuse to live in a world without those paws.